Moms, I don’t mean to pat myself on the back, but my thirteen-year-old bragged about me to her friends this week at school. How did I earn such unwarranted high praise? By watching Stranger Things on Netflix with her. It’s that simple. What she thinks she’s bragging about – me watching a tween show. What I think she’s bragging about – spending time with her mom.
Don’t get me wrong, Strangers Things is a good show. It brings me back to the 1980s, which was the time of my youth, please don’t do the math. If you haven’t watched the show give it a try as it’s a decent thriller with interesting characters.
What I care about, though, is spending time with my daughter doing something she enjoys. I don’t want to be her friend, but I do want to bond. The sad thing is, the older my kids get, the more they will want to spend time doing anything that doesn’t involve their father or me.
Rule #1 – Enjoy What They Enjoy
My fifteen-year-old son already won’t dance around the living room with me on his arms. A silly thing we have done for years, and now it’s a fleeting moment in the past. Soon I will have to compete with the mall, Manga, and gulp, the boyfriends and girlfriends. All of these new interests and friends will loosen the apron strings as my children age out of mama.
I’m holding on. Here’s how you can too. Just find an activity your children currently enjoy and enjoy it with them. That’s it, the big secret. You don’t need to be cool. As I once told a friend in the past, I wasn’t cool as a kid and didn’t expect to be cool to my kids. I’m mom, and I like it that way.
With my son, I found a video game we can both enjoy. We spend our time together comparing weapons and imaging how we would enchant our everyday objects if they were in the game. My older daughter and I watch tv and bake together. It’s my nine-year-old who wants to spend time together, and we can do anything, and she’s happy because she still wants me in her life.
Back to the bragging, even though I relish my mama role, I love it when my kids still find something about me they don’t have to roll their eyes about. I’ve created room for bonding, leaving an open path for my daughter to communicate. I’m not sure how successful this will work with my son, but I’m keeping an eye out for an option to sneak in.
Rule #2 – Find A Way to Laugh Together
You see, my son is fifteen and a boy. His current obsessions consist of Yugioh, Terraria, Discord, Jeff Dunham, electronic music, and YouTube. I tried learning Yugioh, the worse eight hours of my life, and I still can’t figure out how to play the game. Instead, we found our game, and we laugh with dorky dad jokes and game metaphors, but we laugh every day.
Maybe these will give you an inlet, and then you can find what works for you. Find a way to laugh with your children, ahem, I mean teenagers. It’s possible, I promise. Forging into the teen years can exhaust even the most humor-filled parent, but if you can find a way to bond and laugh, the trials are so much easier to cope with.
Rule #3 – Teach Relevant Skills
Recently, we started awarding the kids with an allowance as the budget finally allowed a little wiggle room. The kids, I mean teens, have put a little step into their chores with the imminent reward. Along with this reward comes opportunities for teaching, another way my teens and I have bonded.
They love the money, but more, they love the acknowledgment that they are older and deserve more privileges. This is the third rule, teach them the skills they need for their age. Most teenagers just wish to be understood.
Most parents are uncool because they don’t get what their kids are going through. I know because I use to be a teenager, many many moons ago, according to my kids. Acknowledgment indicates the beginning of communication and understanding.
Rule #4 – Music is the Universal Language
My thirteen-year-old and I surprised each other this week. She shocked me when I found out she knew the lyrics to ABBA and actually enjoyed the music. Even more surprising, she knew lyrics from some major eighties songs and even a few from the nineties!
I surprised her when she played a “new” song for me, and I recognized the tune and told her who the singer stole the song from. We bonded over music, and I didn’t even have to listen to the horrid sounds coming out of the radio today. Disney is another got to, as we can always sing along with Ariel and Jasmine without fear of judgment, because who doesn’t love Disney love songs?
One sound you can always hear coming from an Echo Dot or headphones in my house is Lindsey Stirling. No words necessary as her songs are instrumental with an undeniable beat from the oldest to the youngest in our house. Now you need to find some songs to help you bond with your kids. Just go on TikTok any “oldie” featured on the popular app your kids will know and willing to talk about.
Rule #5 – The Mall – Where All the Magic Happens
Yes, the mall is a magical place where teenagers love you if you buy them a smoothie from Jamba Juice and let them wander the mall with their friends. My daughter has an older friend who also loves the mall, and they go do their own thing. I still act like a mom, though, as they can only go around alone if they text me each time they go to a new store.
Sometimes, my daughter and I go to the mall alone instead of with a friend, and it’s amazing. We go to the bookstore, float through Tilly’s and Hot Topic, get googly-eyed over bath bombs at Lush, and look for new gadgets at the Amazon store. Not to mention the food! Even better, my daughter wasn’t embarrassed when she ran into a couple of girls she knew from school.
Remember, before going to the mall, tell your daughter window shopping is more probable than buying everything she wants. Otherwise, keep the conversation light and don’t try to be cool, just be you. Do put on mascara and some decent jeans, though.
Rule #6 – Dinner at the Dining Table
While it seems crazy, teenagers want to eat dinner at the table with the family. My family does this every night somewhere between 5:30 and 7:30 pm. We talk about what they are learning in school, quiz them on random topics, and talk about crazy off the wall topics.
One of our favorite games is “what if” questions. For example, what if you could only eat food from one continent for the rest of your life or what if you could have a superpower. Before long, the kids are asking the questions and starting the conversations. I wouldn’t give up these dinners for anything, even if we are stuck eating my cooking.
Rule #7 – Texting With GIF’s
The last rule is fun if you let it be fun. With smartphones come tons of strange ways to text like with GIFs – little mini videos – or with emojis or memes. All of these are fun and speak the same language as this new generation. My daughter and I often text via pictures.
I send a picture of a kitten cuddling with a teddy bear to tell my kids it’s time to go to bed, and they respond with a sad puppy face. We even use emojis to communicate about things that need to get done like chores or to ask permission to watch tv. Get creative and communicate the way your kids communicate.
Final Thoughts
We parents all think we remember what it’s like to be teenagers and cannot understand why they are so different than we were. They aren’t, we changed into adults and teenagers are still immature hormones with legs. It’s our job as parents to find some common ground and find a way to forge through our differences and build a new relationship with our children who are now older.
Finding ways to be cool is as simple as stepping out of our comfort zone and meeting them halfway. Maybe your schedule doesn’t allow you to do all seven steps on this list, but try one or two and forge a bond between your child. It will make the next few years far more bearable and dare I say it, enjoyable too.
