No matter if your child is in the “terrible twos” or a testy teenager, having to deal with an argumentative child can be taxing on everyone. The key to managing this type of behavior is to handle the conversation with care. Remain cool, calm, and collected throughout the exchange to avoid escalating the situation. Your first step is to take a deep breath and pause. Then, implement these communication techniques to ensure a constructive exchange.
Apply Active Listening
There is no scenario where everyone in the world will agree on everything. We all have different thoughts, beliefs, needs, and priorities. However, the one thing that every single person has in common is the innate desire to feel heard. This is where the concept of active listening comes into play.
Center Your Focus
The goal is to fully concentrate your attention on your child. This can be accomplished by first removing all distractions. If you are at home, find a quiet space to have this conversation privately. Conversely, if you find this argument playing out at the grocery store, move to an aisle where there is less of an audience.
Next, get down on their level. This is exceptionally important for toddlers and young children. You want them to feel that you are talking with them, not at them. By sitting or kneeling down, you ensure that you can maintain eye contact throughout the exchange.
Really Listen
The following step in active listening is to let the person say their peace. Give them the floor without interruption. Utilize non-verbal cues to let them know that you are paying attention and processing what they have to say. This can include leaning into them, nodding, and touching their arm or hand when they seem upset.
Acknowledge Their Main Points
What is the problem? Why do they feel this way? What would make them feel better? The last step in active listening is to summarize what they said, acknowledge how they feel, and give them a constructive response. Obviously, the outcome of this conversation will not always land in their favor, but this gives them the opportunity to say what they need to say and for you to better consider your response.
Moreover, by concentrating on your child, they are less likely to yell and more likely to calm down throughout the talk. By consistently implementing this technique, you allow your child to learn how to self-correct bad behaviors while simultaneously teaching them effective methods of communication and conflict resolution.
Note Misunderstandings That May Arise
One of the other benefits of active listening is understanding your child’s thought process. There is a potential that your child is being argumentative based on an error in perception. In order to deal with this, calmly explain the mix-up.
Then make a point to reinforce the need to express our emotions and concerns in a composed manner. Yelling and screaming when things are not going their way is never going to solve anything. Remember to never reward your child for these types of actions. Instead, request that they politely rephrase why they are upset and what they need to remedy the issue.
Establish Ground Rules
As mentioned above, many disagreements arise due to misunderstandings. The best way to deal with an argumentative child and counteract these scenarios is to prevent these misinterpretations from occurring as much as possible. Therefore, establish clear ground rules for your home and when out in public. Moreover, make consequences crystal clear, prior to problematic actions occurring.
Furthermore, require that your kids ask permission before taking action. This is another key step to ensuring a respectful and composed parent-child relationship. If they choose to act in an appropriate manner, they are more likely to receive what they desire. By understanding proper etiquette techniques, they will be better equipped to engage with others and their social skills will improve.
This can be enhanced by instilling the importance of the Golden Rule. “Treat others the way you want to be treated” is a principle that teaches respect and empathy. This concept also gives them perspective. Remember that actions speak louder than words. Therefore, use please and thank you when requesting for tasks to be completed and noting when they are fulfilled. Acknowledging good behaviors will spur repetition.
Lastly, it is imperative that they understand that some rules are never to be broken. Once you put guidelines in place, do not waver. If bedtime is at 8 o’clock, then reinforce this daily. In these scenarios, do not ask them to conduct an activity, tell them to do it. Thus, instead of stating “Can you get ready for bed, please?”, say “Bedtime is in fifteen minutes. Please go get your pajamas on right now.”
Give Them Options
Another reason children become argumentative is that they want to be in control. Therefore, give them one chance to change their tune and make their own choice. Referring back to the bedtime example, if they refuse to get ready for bed, make their options clear.
“You know bedtime is at eight o’clock. You can choose whether you want to put on your pajamas or brush your teeth first, but both activities need to be done in the next fifteen minutes.”
If their retort is more arguing, remind them of the potential consequences and then pause to let them decide on their next action. Be firm and follow through when they don’t oblige. If a punishment never occurs, then your word means nothing.
Be A Good Role Model
From infancy, children learn through imitation. This subliminal method of learning will continue through adulthood so it is important to remember to practice what you preach. If you want your child to show respect, you must also give it. Pay attention to how you react to situations and the way in which you address others. This will have an instrumental impact on what your child does in similar situations.
Additionally, it is important to note that other environmental factors can have the same impact. What they watch on television and how other people in their life deal with hardship and disappointment can play a factor in their coping mechanisms. Limit their exposure to negative influences and talk about them when they arise.
Engage In Open Conversations
A child who feels comfortable coming to you with problems and requests is less likely to address these topics in an argumentative manner. Hence, have family dinners. Ask your kids questions about their day. What was good about it? What was bad? How would they have changed the way things panned out?
By engaging in honest communication, you not only allow them to confront current issues that they may be having, but you let them contemplate future scenarios. Feeling comfortable handling difficult situations can boost their confidence and improve their self-esteem!
Consider The Big Picture
Let’s be honest — sometimes the argument has nothing to do with you. We are all human. When there is the loss of a loved one, a change in environment, an alteration in one’s schedule, or even a Snickers moment where hunger gets the best of you, we all get a little short. Arguments can spur quickly when other aspects of life seem to be going wrong.
Therefore, it is important to take a step back and look at what else is going on in their life. If there is an outside trigger that could be causing this, give them a little grace. Your daughter may be having a fit at the gas station because you won’t buy her candy. However, if her dog passed away last weekend, this meltdown likely has nothing to do with the sweet treat.
Remember to not give in to the tantrum, but try not to sweat the small stuff either. Let her have her moment in the sun, promptly leave and then take the time to talk about her feelings when you get home.
Acknowledge Positive Interactions
It is human nature to focus on the negatives in life. Whether we intend to or not, people always seem to note what went wrong or why something was not perfect. Fight this instinct and take the time to highlight moments when your children handle something well. If there is a conversation that they conduct in a mature fashion, acknowledge their actions.
Positive reinforcement is a fantastic method for instilling good habits in your kids. If there is a reward for beneficial acts, they are likely to conduct themselves in the same manner when similar scenarios pan out. These rewards can be in the form of praise, a fun activity, or even a hug. It is important to note both big and little acts truly have an impact on their behavior.
FAQs – How to Deal with an Argumentative Child
How do I punish my argumentative child?
At the moment, it can be easy to dole out harsh punishments. However, it is important that you give your child the opportunity to change their actions as well as to think about what they have done. If you already have clear-cut rules and repercussions in place, they are likely aware of what is coming.
Therefore, do not escalate the fight. Instead, if they choose to not alter their attitude, inform them that you will discuss this more when you get home and end the conversation. Silence is golden, as the saying goes, and without anyone responding, your child’s argument will quickly fade.
Are there health conditions that can cause my child to be argumentative?
Unfortunately, there are conditions that can lead to this type of behavior. If the aforementioned methods do not have an impact when you deal with your argumentative child, consider making a visit to your pediatrician. There is a chance that your son or daughter could have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
ODD is a behavioral condition that can trigger argumentative behavior, aggression, a lack of impulse control, and even depression. There is no known cause, but it is theorized that environmental triggers can play a big factor in the emergence of this disorder.
ASD is a developmental condition that impedes a person’s natural social abilities. The child knows what they want to do, but they are unable to effectively execute the activity. This can lead to frustration and combative behavior. While the inheritance pattern is undetermined, this condition is hereditary. Thus, if other family members have been diagnosed, it is something to discuss with their physician.
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that leads to the inability to focus on tasks for an extended period of time. It can also lead to irritation and escalate to argumentative comments. Moreover, this is another genetic condition. In fact, if a parent has ADHD, there is a 50% chance that the child will have it as well.
All three of these conditions can lead to behavioral problems if not addressed properly. While these disorders can not be cured, your child can learn how to appropriately overcome obstacles to better handle frustrating or upsetting situations without jumping into quarrelsome conduct.
Final Thoughts
In order to deal with an argumentative child, the most important thing to remember is that this is not a debate. You are the parent. You are the disciplinarian. Your job is not to be their friend. Therefore, do not engage in an argument and never resort to yelling. This only gives your child permission to do the same. Give them the opportunity to say their peace, give them a moment to calm down, and then respond.
Make it abundantly clear that those types of actions and that tone will not be tolerated. They can be respectful and speak in a courteous manner or there will be consequences. Additionally, patience is a virtue for a reason. It can be extremely difficult when your child becomes contentious. Try to remind yourself that this is usually just a phase. Over time, and with the right measures, this too shall pass.
