How do you unspoil a child? By not giving them everything they want, for starters.
Of course, there is more to unspoiling a child than denying gratification.
Let’s start with why you should make sure your child is not spoiled. Spoiled children learn to only care about their needs and never consider the needs of others, which is simply no way to live.
No one, yourself included, will want to be around a spoiled child as they have no consideration for anyone but themselves. This leads to a lifetime of loneliness and unhappiness for them, too.
Unspoiling a child is not for the weak or the faint of heart. The process can be quite grueling, but well worth it in the end when you realize how much better your child is to others.
Let’s take a closer look at all the various angles of retraining a spoiled child.
Why Children Are Spoiled
Children are spoiled because of two main reasons, and you are not going to like them, so if this offends you, I’m sorry, and usually, something offends because it hits the nail on the head. Let me preface with I know this because of experience, so I’m guilty, too.
Giving children what they want is easier than telling them no. That’s the first reason. The second reason is they were trained to be spoiled either on purpose or accidentally.
I know that hurt to read because it hurt when someone said it to me, but it’s the truth. Everything you do as a parent trains your children and they learn from you. Whether you mean to or not, your actions train your child, and if you are not consistent, if you give in to their whims, whining, or other unacceptable behavior, you are telling your child to continue those behaviors.
Many parents are completely unaware they are encouraging their child’s behavior as they have had no training and have not been parents before. Don’t beat yourself up if this is you as you are here and trying to fix the problem. Almost no one intuitively knows how to raise children or has enough experience from siblings or babysitting to not make some errors along the way.
The blame doesn’t lie solely on the parents either. Children are born selfish and caring only about their needs until we teach them otherwise. Furthermore, society tends to have a ‘take care of yourself’ attitude first, which kids pick up on because they like their wants being met.
Children cannot spoil themselves; that means someone is spoiling them. Find out who, and make it stop. Keep in mind, it might be time to put grandma in time out!
Signs Children Are Spoiled
Now that we know where the problem stems from, it’s time to see if your child is spoiled.
- Does your child hate the word no and continue even after you say no?
- Do your child’s requests start with ‘I need’?
- Is your child ungrateful for gifts, or do they show disdain for gifts they don’t like?
- Does your child view rules as optional?
- Do tantrums often happen at home and in public?
- Does your child ever offer to help with anything?
- Do other kids not enjoy playing with your child?
- Does your child blame others for their mistakes?
- Will your child refuse to do chores?
- Does your child refuse to say thank you for anything?
- Is sharing an issue for your child?
- Does your child treat you like a maid instead of with respect?
- Is your child incapable of showing empathy?
- Does your child refuse to compromise?
- Is your child a sore loser or a sore winner?
- Does your child say anything they want like they have no filter?
- Is your child a bully or manipulative?
- Has your child ever bossed you around?
- Does nothing seem to ever satisfy your child?
If you answered yes to half or more of these questions, then you probably have a spoiled child in your home. Yes, some of these behaviors are typical for a child. However, if your child is over the age of five and still acting this way, then it’s time to get your hands dirty and get to work.
Honestly, it’s best to start as early as possible to prevent the spoiling but if the deed is done, let’s talk about how to stop the problem.
Step One: Tell Your Child No
The first step is to get your child to understand the word no is a hard stop. If you give in after saying no even once, your child will take that as permission to assume your no is not a hard rule.
Children love to push boundaries as far as they will go to find a clear line. It’s your job to define those boundaries.
Telling your child no does not make you mean, it makes you loving. Think about if your child was about to run into the street and you tell them no, but they know you don’t normally mean what you say. Your child could be hit by a car, or you can teach them no means no.
Furthermore, get used to saying no authoritatively. Your no should no leave room for negotiation. It’s your job to train your child, not their job to train you, so be the authority figure they need.
You do not need to give a reason for your no. Although, you can but only if you want to because you are the authority and your no should be enough.
Furthermore, avoid haggling and compromising. Your house is not a flea market, and haggling should not work.
That being said, you do not need to be mean with your no, but you do need to be firm and consistent. Try to be warm and loving because that is why you are teaching your child no in the first place.
Step 2: Do Not Apologize for Rules or Compromise on Them
Next, no haggling or compromising extends to other areas of child-rearing. If you tell your child no television or video games until after dinner and they ask for just ten minutes, be firm.
Often, when my children push a limit, I will make sure it backfires. For example, if my child asks for ice cream and I say no until after dinner, now they will not get ice cream at all because they asked more than once. Ask once, get one answer, and let them know your answer will not change.
My daughter’s friend thought she could get me to allow my daughter an extra couple of hours at her house. I had told them my daughter needed to leave at 7 pm. The friend called me and asked if my daughter could stay until nine, and I said no.
She asked if my daughter could stay until eight, so I said she now needed to be home at six-thirty. Her response was, “But that’s earlier.” I said, “Yes, and if you ask me again, it will be six pm instead. I said no.”
The friend has never asked me again after I had given a no. I was not harsh or mean; I simply did not give in and made their requests backfire. My daughter tried to warn her friend that if you ask me after I say no, it does not work well because she knows where the boundaries are and does not cross the line…often.
Kids will push, and it’s your job to stand still even when they push. It takes about 18 years for them to learn all the lessons, less if you are lucky and longer if your child is precocious. Some kids don’t grow up until they are sixty.
Step 3: Teach True Happiness
Many parents want to make their children happy, and that’s a good thing. Here comes the but…but making children happy is not your job because happiness is often short-lived and based more on a state of mind than on the world. Furthermore, if you give your child the whole world, they will then want the moon and then Saturn.
Children need to learn that happiness is a state of mind and not a thing you can buy or give. They also need to know life will not always be happy and that you, their parent, cannot guarantee happiness. Moreover, they need to know that material things do not equal happiness.
Your job is to provide children with love, food, water, clothing, a roof over their heads, and an education. That education is not just in school but how to be an asset to society and how to be a good human in general. Notice that happiness is not on this list because while you can provide the conditions for happiness, you cannot provide happiness.
When you give your child something when they are unhappy, they learn that they need something besides a mental shift to change their happiness status. Teach them from a young age that they are in charge of making themselves happy in any situation they are in no matter what life brings them, which is something they will need to see modeled by you and your spouse.
A child who has everything will end up unhappy with everything. However, a child with less will be happy with less, and anything extra feels like gravy.
Step 4: Show Responsibility and Appreciation
Instead of buying your children more stuff, teach them to care for the items they already own. When they can demonstrate the responsibility to care for what they, have then they can earn something they want. Teaching kids to be responsible for their items helps to unspoil them.
If you fix all of their messes, then you are teaching them you are responsible for their messes. Children will remain spoiled when they do not appreciate anything they have, and they will not appreciate anything they have until they a responsible for what they have. Teach them to set goals and work to get to those goals and see what a difference a little hard work makes.
Furthermore, delaying gratification can help children to appreciate something they want more because they had to wait for the item. Making your child wait by saying no and expecting them to care for what they do have will set them on the path to unspoiled. Instead of giving them things, give them time and help them to learn to appreciate the things in life that are free.
Many parents will give their children an allowance to help them earn money for the stuff they want. Allowance only comes with chores done well.
Step 5: Set the Example You Want Them to Follow
The most important thing you can do to teach your child to be unspoiled is to be a good example. What you model, your children will learn. If they see you buying everything you want, they will expect the same for themselves.
Let your child see you giving to others so they know this is the example they should follow. Moreover, let them see you saving money, waiting for larger items, and being responsible for your stuff.
Next, have discussions with your child about selfishness and spoiled behavior. Communicating is the key to any relationship, and with children, you need to communicate what you do want and what you do not want from them.
Teach them to be grateful for what they have by being grateful for what they have. Let them see you saying thank you to your spouse and vise versa.
Additionally, make sure to respond positively with praise to good behavior. If you see your child sharing with a friend, comment and praise them, so they know this is the behavior you want. Many parents find it is easy to rebuke bad behavior but do not reward good behavior, and kids respond to positive affirmation much better than negative.
Finally, encourage your children to speak their feelings and requests respectfully by modeling the same. If your children see you saying please and thank you, they will too. But if they see you barking orders, they will follow that example.
Step 6: Resist the Whining!
If nagging works for your child just one time, they will assume it will work again. When you let nagging or whining work, you are setting a condition that your child needs to nag or whine to get their way. Yes, I know it’s often easier to just give your child what they want so they will be quiet and do what you want, but that’s not parenting.
Parenting is never easy, not at any stage. You will have to be strong and consistent for over 18 years!
Make sure you are setting the stage to make life more comfortable for you and your child by setting clear boundaries. If you say they cannot go to a friend’s house and they whine until you say yes and you give in, you have set the boundary. Alternatively, if your children do not listen until you start yelling, you have set that boundary, too.
Instead of allowing your child to set a demand and reward behavior, you need to set a different standard with consequences to stop this pattern of behavior. At first, there will be temper tantrums as your child realizes they have lost control and they want to keep control. Stay strong!
Parenting is often a power struggle, and if you do not stay in control, then your child will gladly take control. The problem is, you are the one who is supposed to be teaching them as they are young and inexperienced. Maintaining control is not about having all the power but about having the power to teach and raise good children.
Step 7: Use Consistent Discipline
Last on the docket for unspoiling a child is discipline. It’s not fun, no one likes it, everyone has a different opinion on how to discipline, but it’s necessary. You cannot teach your child life without cause and effect.
When they misbehave, they need to know there is a bad side because they will want to avoid the bad. Moreover, when they realize their behavior has bad ramifications, they will want to change their behavior because they crave good attention and rewards.
It’s up to you to decide how to discipline, but you do need to be consistent. Ensure the consequences are clear to your child.
Here’s a good example. When my three children chose to eat sweets instead of fruit, I told them if the fruit went bad because they were not eating it, I would take away sweets. They lost sweets for a month when I threw away $25 of apples, oranges, bananas, and grapes. The kids got mad at me until I pointed out I had been clear about the consequences, and they made a choice; now they have no sweets but fruit.
You need to be clear about what you expect in order to give your children the chance to follow your rules. Always follow through with the predetermined consequences, or you are training your child to know you are not serious about consequences. Also, make sure you set realistic consequences appropriate for their age and the behavior you want to modify.
Final Thoughts on Unspoiling a Child
To unspoil a child, you first need to figure out who is spoiling them. Next, you need to make a plan to stop spoiling them by modifying the behavior you find unacceptable and making it acceptable. Third, you need to be consistent.
Follow these steps, and you will soon see a different child in your home. Just remember, you can train your child, or they can train you. It’s your choice, now go forth and parent!
