It can be hard to know what to say to someone who lost a baby. The loss of a child is tragic and unfair. It’s only natural that you want to be there for that person, whether it’s a family member, a close friend, or a coworker. However, it might be intimidating to reach out because you just don’t want to say the wrong thing. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to offering comfort. Below, we’ll take a look at some of the best things you can say to someone who has lost a baby. You’ll also find some things that you can do to show your love and support.
Some of the Best Things to Say
Sincere Condolences
Offering your condolences is a way to show you feel sympathetic toward someone in their time of need. There are a lot of genuine ways to offer condolences to someone. Some of the things you might say include:
- “Sharing in your sadness as you remember your sweet baby.”
- “We are so sorry for your loss.”
- “Sending comfort for you and your loved ones.”
- “I hope you feel surrounded by love in your time of need.”
Phrases like these should offer comfort and sympathy. However, they shouldn’t take away from what has happened or make light of the situation.
It Isn’t Their Fault
Many parents experience guilt after the loss of a baby, regardless of the circumstances. For example, a mother of a baby who died from a fatal birth defect might blame herself or her genetics, even if that doesn’t make sense. A parent may even blame their past life choices or believe they are being punished. It’s not uncommon for parents to replay the scenario in their head and look for reasons it was their fault.
One of the best things you can do for someone who has lost a baby is offer reassurance that there was nothing they could have done. Tragedies often happen for no reason at all and the loss of a child is no different. It doesn’t have to make sense.
You’ll Always Be There
There’s no timeline to grieving. This is especially true when it comes to the death of a child. Some parents struggle the most around holidays when their child would have been there or around important dates like the expected due date or the date that they lost their baby. Let your loved ones know you’ll be there for them any time that you need them, whether they need someone to talk to, a meal or someone to sit in silence with so they don’t feel so alone.
They’ll Always Be a Parent
When someone doesn’t have other children, it can be comforting to let them know that they’ll always be a parent. Parents spend months leading up to their child’s birth picking out names, decorating a nursery, and imagining life with their baby-to-be. Even when a baby dies in the womb or soon after childbirth, it doesn’t mean that it didn’t have a significant impact on people’s lives.
Something to keep in mind that even a baby that dies in the first or second trimester still causes pain to the parents. Remind them that even these early losses make them a parent.
You Love Them
Expressing how much you care for your loved one can be very helpful in their time of need. The loss of a baby is something that can make the parents feel like they are alone. Few people experience this loss and those that do aren’t always open about it. Telling your friend that you love them is a nice reminder that they aren’t alone. Even if you aren’t able to fully understand what they are going through, it communicates that you care.
Your Own Feelings (When Appropriate)
It generally isn’t appropriate to express your own feelings right after death. At the funeral or memorial service, however, it may be comforting to parents if you have sentiments or a memory to share. Share a memory or let them know that their child had an impact on your life, too. It’s okay if you don’t have particularly strong feelings either. You can also just express sympathy for them and what they are going through.
Acknowledge Their Pain
Some people find comfort in someone acknowledging their pain. After the loss of a child, no amount of pain is unusual. Let them know that what they are going through is natural. It’s okay for them to express their emotions, regardless of how intense they may be.
It can also be helpful to give reassurance about their style of grieving. Some parents grieve in the open, wanting family and friends to be near for support. Others may not want to talk about what happened or they may feel guilt. Let your loved one know that regardless of how they grieve, it’s completely natural. It’s also impossible to predict how they are going to feel, so it’s best to just let the emotions flow as they are experiencing them.
The Pain Gets Easier to Manage
The death of a child causes pain that may never go away. It’s not something that diminishes over time but it does gradually get easier to handle.
One way to think of this is that the pain stays the same size, but you grow around the pain. As you learn to grow, you compartmentalize this pain so it becomes gradually easier to live your life. There will still be harder days but those days get easier to manage with time. Additionally, on those days when it isn’t easy, remind your friend that you’ll be there to offer your support.
Their Baby Will Always Be With Them
When a baby dies, their memory and impact will stay with the people who lost them for life. For some mothers, it can also be comforting to hear that parts of their baby’s DNA will live on inside them forever.
According to a German scientist, some of a baby’s fetal matter is cycled through their mother’s body. As they circulate, the DNA cells might also go to an organ depending on where they are needed. Some places that scientists have found fetal matter in a mother’s body include the heart, liver, and other organs. They can even help heal C-section scars and cross the blood-brain barrier to become neurons in the brain.
Nothing at All
For some people, the best thing you can do is be physically present without expecting them to say anything. Don’t try to fill empty spaces with words and don’t expect them to say anything. Sometimes, there are no words that can make it all better. Just sit with them while they zone out, even if it doesn’t seem they are present. If appropriate, you could hold their hand, rub their shoulder, or offer a hug. If not, then just sitting there and being with them may be enough.
Some of the Best Things to Offer
Whatever Support They Need
Talking to someone about how they feel isn’t the only way to offer support. People who are going through intense grief may need other things. It’s almost impossible to do things like make dinner or keep up with yard work when you are grieving. Let them know that you’ll be there to offer support in any way that you can.
You shouldn’t be surprised if the grieving parents don’t come out and say exactly what they need. To decide how someone can help, they have to prioritize all the hard tasks ahead of them and decide what they need help with most. This might take a lot of mental power that they might not have at the time.
If there’s a specific way you want to help, offer to do that. This lets the griever answer with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’, so they don’t have to think about what they need. Some things you might be able to do include setting up a collection to help pay for expenses, collect food delivery services for those nights they can’t cook, or offer to wash their laundry or help around the house.
You can even help out without saying anything at all. For example, you might drop a meal off at their door and leave or mow their grass if you notice that it’s high when driving by.
A Donation
The death of a baby is tragic regardless of the cause. However, when a parent loses a child to SIDS death, disease, or another cause, there may be organizations that are raising awareness or doing research – so other parents don’t experience the same tragedy. In some cases, it may be appropriate to ask if there is a specific organization that you could make a donation to in memory of their baby.
Some parents also find comfort through participating in events related to the cause. Offer to go along with them or help organize a group for the event. Any way that you show support communicates that you care.
Your Time
It’s not uncommon for people to lose their friends after the death of a child. When you go through the hardest times of your life, that is when you often find the people who are really there.
Even people who are supportive in the beginning may eventually drift away. The loss of a child changes many people. It could be months or even years before they start to feel like themselves again. For some people, getting back to themselves may never happen.
The best thing you can do is be the person that stays there for long-term support. Fake friends might express their sympathy early on, but they won’t be there in the long term. They might want to do the fun things they used to do with their friend, rather than being for them while they are grieving. In addition to being there for your friend, remind them that the people that they do lose don’t matter.
Attending Grief Groups
Grief groups offer a unique type of support to people experiencing a loss. It’s a good way for people at all stages of grief to come together and share their experiences. In some areas, you may even find groups especially for parents and people who have lost babies.
Even though grief groups can be helpful, they can be intimidating when you don’t know what to expect. Offer to go with your friend or to give them a ride if they’d rather go alone. You might also be able to help by finding out when different groups meet.
Of course, you should also respect your loved one’s process of grieving. If they say they aren’t ready to reach out for help, don’t push it.
Some of the Worst Things to Say
People usually have the best intentions when offering condolences. Unfortunately, it’s really easy to say the wrong thing when you’re trying to offer comfort to your loved one. Some things that you should avoid include:
Minimizing The Death
Avoid saying things like, “it was part of God’s plan” or “maybe it was for the best”. Phrases like these imply that their baby’s death wasn’t important in the greater scheme of things. It can come off as insensitivity, especially to a grieving parent. They may never feel that there was a better place for their baby than in their arms.
Taking Attention Away
It’s easy to try and tell your own story when someone is grieving, especially if you’re trying to offer connection. However, relating death to your own experience takes away from their time to grieve. You should also avoid telling the parent that you know how it feels. Everyone experiences loss differently and even if you have suffered the loss of a child yourself, it’s not time to tell your story.
It Was Really Early
It doesn’t matter when a woman loses her baby. Even a loss in the first or second trimester can be devastating to the people affected. This is especially true for the parents, who experience emotional changes even before the mother starts showing. They form a connection to that baby and still experience a loss.
Rushing the Grieving Process
There’s no timeline for grieving. Many parents feel the pain of loss for the rest of their life and that’s completely normal. Others may experience shock the first few weeks and then have intense sadness. Some might even start to feel a little better as time goes on.
There is no textbook timeline to the grieving process. While pyschiatrists have identified the stages of grief, they don’t always happen in that order. There also isn’t any set amount of time that grieving takes – it could take forever. You also should avoid putting any expectations on your grieving loved one.
They’re in a Better Place
Some people take solace in the fact that their loved ones are in their version of Heaven. However, a parent that has lost a child is experiencing their worst nightmare. They may never believe their baby could be somewhere better than with them and some parents who experience a loss question their beliefs. This is even true in the case of babies born with birth defects or other conditions.
Count Their Blessings
Another mistake people make when the couple already has children is telling them to be happy for the kids that they do have. It doesn’t matter how many children a couple has – it doesn’t make their baby’s death any less meaningful or tragic.
Something else to be avoided in this area is telling a woman that she is young enough to try again. Even another child will never replace what the parent has lost. Some parents even find that their loss causes them to lose the desire to have children altogether.
Final Word
The death of a child is always tragic. For people wondering what to say to someone who has lost a baby, keep in mind that there may be nothing that makes it better. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is be there to offer support in any way that they need it.
